Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Tonight's Special...Chilled Beats
This evening, I opened my refrigerator and found my daughter's new headphones lying there in their original packaging, just under the string cheese. Thinking this odd, I asked my wife if she knew Zoe had put them there. "Oh, no," she said, "I did that...to remind us to take them with us on our trip." After many years of marriage, I found this response surprisingly... unsurprising.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Unbreakable
Not too long ago, my four-year-old daughter accidentally broke a rather special picture frame while being naughty.
Some days later, she brought home her new class picture from pre-school. When I suggested we frame it, she jumped from my lap and threw the picture onto the floor.
My wife couldn't believe her eyes. “Why ever would you do a thing like that?” she asked.
“Well,” said the little one, “Like this it doesn't break.”
I must admit...the thought that our four-year-old may already be smarter than we are is somewhat disturbing.
Some days later, she brought home her new class picture from pre-school. When I suggested we frame it, she jumped from my lap and threw the picture onto the floor.
My wife couldn't believe her eyes. “Why ever would you do a thing like that?” she asked.
“Well,” said the little one, “Like this it doesn't break.”
I must admit...the thought that our four-year-old may already be smarter than we are is somewhat disturbing.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
The Serpent and the Apple
As per usual, I’d been worrying myself sick over an impending project. The geriatric electronic capacitors inside my vintage Apple Macintosh SE-30 needed replacing, and I couldn’t bring myself to attempt the delicate procedure for fear of irreparably damaging the machine’s logic board.
I was on the verge of giving up when my four-year-old daughter burst through the front door. She was elated, having just met Roxanne, the giant boa constrictor that evidently lives a couple of houses down the street.
Epilogue: The procedure took about thirty minutes. The SE-30 is working beautifully.
I was on the verge of giving up when my four-year-old daughter burst through the front door. She was elated, having just met Roxanne, the giant boa constrictor that evidently lives a couple of houses down the street.
Epilogue: The procedure took about thirty minutes. The SE-30 is working beautifully.
The Cafe Counter Apocalypse
Back in the dark days, just after I'd gotten out of graduate school, I worked briefly behind the counter in a popular downtown cafe.
One day I took an order from a friendly, seemingly normal customer whose order number unfortunately came up as “666." I don’t know where my mind was in this moment. Needless to say, it didn't occur to me that I was about to bestow the dreaded Mark of the Beast upon this poor lady.
In my mind's eye, I envision myself sprouting horns and hooves, my voice dropping two octaves. Something gooey surely drips from my newly forked tongue as I ominously pronounce, "Your number is 666."
Only...none of that actually happened. Really and truly, all I said to her was that bit about the order number. For the movie version, there will be no need to hire Tom Savini.
From the front of a very long lunch line, the customer panicked, quickly crossed herself, and literally ran from the restaurant in tears.
When the manager came and asked me what I'd done to so offend the woman, the people who had been in line behind her defended me, likely saving my job.
Given a second chance at that moment, I'd like to think I'd have opted for a bit more sensitivity.
Still, I can't help but point out that while I can appreciate the "love thy neighbor" aspect of most religions, this whole “be terrified of everything" nonsense can be seriously off-putting.
One day I took an order from a friendly, seemingly normal customer whose order number unfortunately came up as “666." I don’t know where my mind was in this moment. Needless to say, it didn't occur to me that I was about to bestow the dreaded Mark of the Beast upon this poor lady.
In my mind's eye, I envision myself sprouting horns and hooves, my voice dropping two octaves. Something gooey surely drips from my newly forked tongue as I ominously pronounce, "Your number is 666."
Only...none of that actually happened. Really and truly, all I said to her was that bit about the order number. For the movie version, there will be no need to hire Tom Savini.
From the front of a very long lunch line, the customer panicked, quickly crossed herself, and literally ran from the restaurant in tears.
When the manager came and asked me what I'd done to so offend the woman, the people who had been in line behind her defended me, likely saving my job.
Given a second chance at that moment, I'd like to think I'd have opted for a bit more sensitivity.
Still, I can't help but point out that while I can appreciate the "love thy neighbor" aspect of most religions, this whole “be terrified of everything" nonsense can be seriously off-putting.
Confession
I bought an embarrassingly large tin of peppermint tea in late 2011. My wife and I have been slowly drinking it since then. Tonight, we were finishing the last pot and realized that we were sorry to see it go. So I decided to price another tin online.
The tea was no longer available, having been recalled for salmonella poisoning in late 2011.
The tea was no longer available, having been recalled for salmonella poisoning in late 2011.
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